


Untitled Soap Opera Cliche Fic

by MyDesign



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter RPF, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Accidental Incest, Alcohol, Amnesia, Cheating, Coma, Crack, Drugs, Evil mastermind, F/M, Fake Illness, Freak Accident, Humor, Hurricane, Kidnapping, M/M, Ransom, Soap Opera Cliche Challenge, Unhappy marriage, back from the dead, floods, former lover returns from the dead, it was all a dream, quasi-AU?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 20:44:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11813850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyDesign/pseuds/MyDesign
Summary: In 2004-ish, there was a multi-fandom contest on LiveJournal to write a fic using a cliché from a long list of soap opera clichés.  I took it a few steps further, using every cliché on the list except for "alien abduction."  I won the contest with this fic.Mostly LOTR RPF, as I used the actors to fill the roles of stereotypical soap opera characters.  Special, hardly-used, guest appearances by the Harry Potter trio...because I needed someone to play their teenage kids.





	Untitled Soap Opera Cliche Fic

“Viggo, darling,” Liv purred, “you’re being unreasonable.”

“I’m not being unreasonable, you are!” Viggo retorted. “If I buy you any more jewelry, you’ll have enough pairs of earrings to wear a different pair every day…for _ten years_!”

“So? I like to accessorize.” She sprawled herself across a chair. “Besides, I didn’t marry you for your _looks_.”

Viggo sighed exasperated. “Yes, I know. You’ve informed me every day since we got married that you were only in it for the money.”

“And you only married me cause Daddy blackmailed you into it,” she yawned and picked at one of her perfect fingernails. “So we’re even.”

Viggo was staring out the window, watching it rain, when Emma came down the stairs. Liv rose to meet her.

“Emma! My perfect daughter!” Liv exclaimed, kissing her cheek.

“Good morning, Mummy!” They both sat on the couch. “Where’s Elijah?” Emma asked, picking her perfectly manicured nails as well. “I haven’t seen him in a week.”

“Who?” Liv asked.

“Elijah! My brother!”

“Yes, Elijah,” Viggo came away from the window. “You remember him, don’t you, darling? Our son?”

Liv huffed. “I don’t know where he is, and I don’t really care.”

Viggo rolled his eyes and went back to watching it rain. Suddenly, the lights went out with a flash of lightning. Liv and Emma screamed and the front door flung open with the sound of thunder and crashed against the wall. A dark figure was silhouetted in the doorway, backlit by the lightning. Liv fainted as Emma screamed again.

=======

“Darling! I’m home!” Orlando called as he shut the door behind him. He heard sounds coming from the bedroom and guessed that his wife Maria was getting ready for his return. “My querida! Mi amore!” he called. “I’m home!”

Pushing open the bedroom door, Orlando screamed and dropped his briefcase. His wife lay in bed in the arms of another man. The man quickly got out of bed and pulled on his clothes, rushing out of the house as Orlando stood there slack-jawed and stuttering. Maria got out of bed and furiously got dressed and started throwing clothes in a suitcase.

“Maria…” Orlando stammered, “what…what are you doing?”

“I leaving you!” was her reply.

Tears flowed down his cheeks. “But Maria!” he fell to his knees, fists clenched, “POURQUEEEEEEE?!?!?!” he wailed.

“I’m sorry, Orli,” Maria caressed his tear-stained cheek. “You’re a nice guy…but Raoul has bigger dingdong.” She finished packing and exited Orlando’s life, stage left.

Orlando stumbled to the kitchen and drank himself into an alcohol-induced coma.

=======

“Welcome home, Elijah,” Viggo said as Emma struggled to revive her mother, taking the opportunity to plop down on the couch.

“I need money,” was all Elijah said as he too sat down.

Liv - who was now reviving - groaned. “Is that any way to greet your parents? And just where have you been?!”

Elijah barely spared her a glance as he yawned. “Like you even care,” he said, “but I’ll humor you. I met someone.”

“Well, thank God!” Liv exclaimed. “It’s about time you met a nice girl and got married and _moved out of this house_ ,” she emphasized the last part. “So I take it you’ve been at this girls’ place the past week? What’s her name? Is she wealthy? Will you finally stop mooching money from us?”

Elijah yawned again. “Firstly, it’s father’s money, not yours. And for your information, _mother_ , it’s a he, not a she.”

Liv looked up so fast that she hurt her neck and this time, Emma fainted. “A _he_?!” Liv asked. “Are you serious?! What are you trying to pull here?!”

“Absolutely nothing,” Elijah looked bored. “Dom’s a great guy.”

Liv was livid. She stuttered for a moment before saying, “Viggo! Don’t you have anything to say? Put your son in his place!”

“I hope he makes you very happy,” Viggo said, patting Elijah on the back. “So how much do you need? 500 enough for now?” He took the bills out of his wallet and handed them to Elijah.

“Thanks, dad,” Elijah took the money and went up to his room.

Liv fumed at Viggo, but he ignored her and stood up. “I’m going out,” he said and left the house.

=======

Orlando stumbled through the dark and rain. Having awakened from his alcohol-induced coma and expended all his booze, he was most displeased to be sobering up and decided to brave the tropical storm raging outside so he could get to the bar.

Once inside, he sat down on a barstool, ordered about twelve beers, and proceeded to get very, very drunk. He leaned to the guy next to him. “I have a big dingdong,” he slurred.

The man - who happened to be Viggo - looked at him wide-eyed. “What?!”

“I have a big dingdong,” Orlando slurred again. “Bigger, I’m sure, than Raoul’s.” He said the name with contempt.

Viggo smiled and patted Orlando on the back. “I’m sure you do,” he said. “Girl leave ya?” he asked.

“Yes,” Orlando sobbed drunkenly. “My wife. My querida…mi amore…”

“Lucky man,” Viggo took a swig of his beer. “I wish my wife would leave me.” He shook his head. “Bitch.”

“You don’t love her?”

Viggo scoffed. “No. I’m beginning to think my son has the right idea to just forget women.”

“Forget…women?” Orlando misunderstood. “Life without love?”

“Live…without women, but not without love.”

The two men sat and looked at each other awkwardly…then they went back to Orlando’s house and shagged the night away.

=======

Dom and Elijah sat cuddled together on a giant bear rug in front of a raging fireplace in Dom’s dimly-lit living room, despite the fact that it was very hot and humid outside from the newly-announced hurricane.

“Billy always loved to cuddle by the fire,” Dom said sadly.

“Tell me about Billy,” Elijah prompted, leaning his head on Dom’s shoulder.

“I loved Billy,” Dom took a deep breath, “more than I’ve ever loved anyone. We had long-term plans. Marriage…a house…a family…a new car…a puppy…maybe a George Foreman grill and a Cuisinart…table settings to match the living room curtains…” he choked back a sob loudly. “Nothing could separate us…except maybe a freak gas explosion where Billy worked. He would’ve survived, they said…if only that twelve ton machine hadn’t came loose in the explosion and landed on him…and then burst into flames.” Dom shrugged. “The police said those kind of things happen all the time.”

“I’m sure they do,” Elijah consoled, kissing him on the cheek.

“I miss him. I love him so much…”

“But I love you now, and that’s what matters.”

Dom smiled at Elijah. “And I love you.” They then proceeded to shag the night away.

=======

The next morning, when Elijah was getting ready to go home, he stopped by the door and grumbled, “I don’t want to go home.”

“Then don’t,” Dom said, snaking his arms around Elijah’s waist. “Stay here with me.”

“I can’t. I need money.” He frowned slightly. “You know what? I have a crazy idea…”

=======

When Viggo returned home the next morning, he was all smiles. When he found Liv laying in bed and surrounded by doctors, his smile grew bigger.

When Liv saw Viggo enter the room, she threw her arm across her eyes and wailed, “Leave me!” she cried to the doctors. “I want to see my daughter!”

All of the doctors looked much relieved to leave the room as Emma rushed to the side of the bed. She grabbed her mother’s hand and asked, “O Mummy, does it hurt?”

“Yes, horribly, dear. I don’t know how much longer I’ll last!”

Viggo coughed and for the first time they acknowledged his presence in the room. “What’s the matter with you now?” he asked.

“Can’t you see?” Liv looked taken aback. “I’m _dying_ , you fool!”

Viggo absently sat down in a chair. “Of what this time?”

“For your information,” Liv said snidely, “the doctors say I have Jennta’s disease.”

Viggo stared at her incredulously. “What?”

“Jennta’s disease,” Liv repeated it like Viggo was hard of hearing.

“Yeah…and what is that?”

“Oh, it’s horrible!” Emma cried. “Mother is going to die!” She sobbed as Liv patted her head.

Viggo rolled his eyes.

“And just why are you so cheerful for?” Liv asked.

“Oh, just been trying to take after our son,” he looked at his nails.

Liv almost snarled. “Yes, our son,” she said. “I’m hoping my illness will make him come to his senses and he’ll find himself a nice girl and settle down.”

Viggo raised his eyebrows. “Ahhh, so _that’s_ what this is all about.”

She sniffed. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, it’s obvious. You’re-”

He was cut off when the door opened and a short, overly-stooped man entered the room. “The mail, madam,” he said in a high, cat-coughing-up-a-hairball voice.

“Thank you, Andrew,” Liv said as the man handed her the letters and left the room. She looked at one of the envelopes confusedly, then opened and read it. Her hand flew to her mouth as she screamed. “Oh my God!”

“What is it?”

“Someone has kidnapped Elijah and is holding him for random! We must pay this at once!”

“You actually care?” Viggo was surprised.

“Of course I care!” Liv huffed. “We don’t want a scandal defiling our good name!”

=======

Over the next few days, Viggo and Liv continued to pay the random as Dom and Elijah continued to up the price. Viggo had long since figured out what was really going on, having seen Dom and Elijah together at the bar when he went to meet Orlando for a night of sweet sweet lovin’. He didn’t tell Liv the truth because he enjoyed how her “terminal illness” was keeping her bed-ridden and he was afraid that the news of their son’s freedom might miraculously cure her.

Meanwhile, the category 5 hurricane raged outside with no end in sight and flooded most people out of the town. The only people left were Viggo, Liv, Emma, Elijah, Dom, Orlando, Sean Bean, his son Daniel, and Daniel’s friend Rupert.

Sean Bean was the town’s most eligible and wealthy bachelor, not to mention five-time winner of “ _Twitch Weekly_ ’s Most Charming Smile Award.” His son Daniel came from Sean’s sudden and strange marriage fourteen years earlier to a woman named Miranda. The marriage only lasted fifteen minutes because Miranda was soon to realize that Sean was just another rich man bent on world domination. Sean had gotten Daniel from the marriage and that made Sean even more appealing to the ladies.

Dom and Elijah were cuddled in front of the fire - as they seemed to do a lot - when there was a knock on the door.

“Well, that’s strange,” Dom mused as he got up to answer the door. When he opened the door, the soft music playing on the stereo hit a minor chord and there stood Billy, very much alive.

=======

“Billy!” Dom exclaimed out of shock.

“Billy?!” Elijah sprang to his feet. He looked from Dom to Billy and back again. “You told me he was dead!”

“He is!” Dom said. “At least…I thought he was…” Everyone stared at one another for a moment before Billy smiled.

“Ah, you do know me,” he said. “Good. I’m at the right place.”

“Wha-what do you mean?” Dom asked.

“Well, as luck would have it,” Billy explained, “apparently I was in some big accident and I’ve been in a coma for a really long time. I only recently woke up with total amnesia.” He took a picture out of his pocket. “I found this picture of you and me,” he looked at Dom, “in a, um…compromising position. It just happens to have our names and this address written on the back. Convenient, huh?”

Dom was in shock. “Yes, um…convenient…” he stuttered. Next thing he knew, Billy had thrown his arms around Dom’s neck.

“Oh, Dominic! Help me remember who I am!”

Dom looked at Elijah helplessly.

=======

Dom, Billy, and Elijah spent the rest of the night sitting around looking at each other. None of them knew what to do or say. With Billy’s unexpected arrival, Dom and Elijah’s planned evening of erotic loveplay was pulled to a grinding halt...with more halt and little-to-no grinding.

Dom – meanwhile – was having horrible inner turmoil and angst. He loved Elijah, but now that he knew Billy – his one true love – was still alive, he didn’t know what to do. He excused himself from the room – leaving Billy and Elijah in a very awkward situation – and went into the kitchen.

“Oh, the angst!” he wailed to no one. “Oh, the complete and total woe of my tormented soul!” Seeing no other escape from his imminent mental-breakdown, Dom proceeded to take several mind-altering and highly illegal drugs in very large quantities.

When he dragged himself across the floor and back into the living room, he was seeing four of everything...and apparently Billy had dyed his hair green and Elijah had grown a nice set of boobs while Dom was in the kitchen.

Ignoring the fact that Dom was completely and totally fucked-up and barely hanging onto a state of consciousness, Billy said, “Y’know Dom, I was thinking...Just being with you stirs curious feelings...and I’m certain my memories will return the more I’m around you.”

Dom drooled and twitched violently.

“So I think we should have sex. Wild, passionate, unbridled, erotic sex. Out bodies tingling with orgasm after orgasm as our minds are heightened to new and unknown levels of sexual enlightenment.”

“BlargediMONKEY!” Dom blurted out.

Billy added, “And Elijah can join us.”

Dom had Billy’s pants off before the last word was out of his mouth. The three of them spent the entire evening and night having a wild and kinky threesome.

=======

By the next morning, the hurricane’s torrential rains and gale-force winds had flooded out every house in town except Sean Bean’s because he lived in a huge estate on top of the biggest hill in the town. Sean had sent his man around to the remaining people and invited them to stay at his estate until the storm passed.

Liv, Viggo, and Emma were the first to arrive in the foyer of the estate that afternoon. Liv had apparently decided that laying in bed 24 hours a day was boring and had suddenly been cured.

“Oh, this house is exquisite!” she breathed. “We should buy a house like this, darling.”

Viggo grunted as he heaved Liv’s luggage trunks into the room.

“Hey, I know that grunt...” a voice said behind him.

Viggo turned around. “Orli!” he exclaimed.

“Viggo!” Orlando beamed.

“Orlando!” Liv gasped. “Son!”

=======

“Wait a minute...” Viggo stuttered. “...son???”

“Yes,” Liv said. “I had a son before we got married. I gave him to another family’s care because his father was married to someone else at the time and I didn’t want to be an unmarried mother.”

“Wait,” Orlando said. “If you’re my mother, and you’re married to Viggo...that makes you my _father_!” he pointed at Viggo.

“But not by blood!” Viggo said.

“Well...actually...” Liv started.

“What?”

“Orlando’s real father is...your father, Viggo.”

“But...that makes you...my brother!” Viggo looked at him. Orlando shrieked.

“Father...hyphen...brother,” Liv said with a shrug.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Orlando said, turning pale.

“Why does it matter?” Liv asked.

“Because Orli and I have been shagging like rabbits for over a week now!”

“Now I’m gonna be sick,” Liv said.

“I don’t understand,” Emma pretended she was innocent.

Luckily, no one had to explain it because right then, Dom, Billy, and Elijah walked into the foyer, all three holding hands. Amazingly, the more times they did the binky-binky, the more memories returned to Billy. Needless to say, none of those three had gotten much sleep the night before and Billy remembered almost everything about his life.

“This looks to be a real party,” Billy said, looking at everyone standing around the foyer.

“Where’s the bedrooms?” Elijah asked.

“Elijah!” Liv exclaimed. “You’re free?!”

“Yes, well, um...” Elijah said. “I escaped.”

“Lij has been a captive,” Dom said, nodding. “A captive of my luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv.” At that, he stood behind Elijah and started grinding against him. Billy got behind Dom and joined in. While Viggo watched, Orlando copped a feel of his bum.

Liv was fuming, as always. “I can’t believe you!” she screamed. “You’ve been fine all along and I’ve been worried sick for you!”

“Oh, come off it, mother,” Elijah said from the front of the humping orgy in progress.

“Come now, let us not quarrel,” a voice came from the top of the stairs and with a fanfare of trumpets, there appeared Sean Bean. He wore a fur-trimmed, red velvet robe and carried a jeweled cane. As he strode down the staircase, he said, “Welcome all to my estate. I am Sean Bean,” he flashed his award-winning smile, “and I’m delighted that you could all join me here.”

In awe of Seans’ charm and shockingly good looks, everyone began to chatter their thank yous for his accommodations.

He raised a hand to silence them. “No, really. It was the least I could do.”

He showed them to their rooms and informed them that dinner would be served in 20 minutes in the main dining room. On the way to dinner, Viggo and Orlando met in the hallway.

“Brother...” Orlando said.

“Son...” Viggo replied.

They both averted their eyes quickly.

“This is unfair,” Orlando said after a moment. “That our love should be torn apart by something as insignificant as blood relation.”

“But must it be torn apart?” Viggo took a step forward. “We can’t undo what we’ve already done, so why stop now?”

“We are blood-relatives!” Orlando replied.

“If anything, that should just make our love stronger!” Viggo took another step towards him. “What does it matter?” he asked again. “There aren’t any risks. I can’t get you pregnant.”

“Nor I you,” Orlando stepped towards him and they snogged passionately.

Little did they know...

=======

Dom, Billy, and Elijah were the last to arrive in the dining room, hair quite tousled and with an air of post-coital bliss.

As the guests sat at the table waiting for the host, the tensions were high. Everyone eyed each other warily for various reasons. Dom, Billy, Elijah were having problems keeping their hands off of each other. Viggo and Orlando just gazed at each other, eyes smoldering with lust. Liv was busy trying to distract Emma from the surrounding gay.

Suddenly, the silence was pierced by the gleaming of silver trumpets and Sean appeared at the doorway with a flash and cloud of smoke.

“That man sure knows how to make an entrance,” Liv sighed.

Sean took his seat at the head of the table and said, “Thank you all for joining me.” He clapped his hands and servants appeared at every doorway, carrying platters of delicious-looking food. “Thank you, PJ,” Sean said when the last platter was laid on the table. “Enjoy!”

He didn’t have to tell them twice.

During dessert, Liv asked, “So, Sean – if I may call you that,” he nodded and she smiled. “Where is your son this evening?”

“Ah, yes, sorry he couldn’t join us. He’s in his room with his friend Rupert.” Sean laughed. “I haven’t even seen him for two days.”

“Well, the house _is_ rather large,” Liv offered.

“No, it’s just that Daniel never leaves his room. He and Rupert shut themselves in there and turn music up really loud. They used to come out for meals, but now they just have their meals brought to them.”

Elijah looked at Dom and raised his eyebrow. Dom responded by making obscene hand gestures and pelvic thrusts.

The table was cleared and everyone moved into the living room. As they sat there lounging, suddenly the power went out and it lightninged viciously outside. Liv, Emma, and Orlando shrieked.

=======

A minute later, the lights came back on and everyone gasped. The room had been completely ransacked and Liv, Emma, and Orlando were fainted on the floor. Viggo rushed to Orlando’s side – ignoring his wife and daughter – and quickly revived him by slapping his cheeks.

As Liv and Emma revived, Billy looked around the room and asked, “The power wasn’t out long enough to do all this! Who could’ve done it?!”

“I did,” Sean said calmly from his plush armchair.

“But...why?!” Viggo asked.

“Because,” Sean replied, “I’m eeeeeeevil!”

Liv fainted again.

=======

“Evil!” Dom gasped in disbelief.

“Yes, evil,” Sean stood up. “I ransacked my own house and I now hold you all captive.”

“You can’t hold us captive!” Elijah protested.

“Oh, yes I can.” At that, Sean flicked the sides of his fur-trimmed purple velvet robe out, revealing an entire arsenal of weapons in various holsters on his body. “I used my Top Secret Satellite of DEATH and Weather Control (tm) to create this hurricane, knowing it would drive you all from your homes and into mine. Now, you will never leave!”

Elijah began to cry.

“Why are you doing this?”

“I’m just another rich guy bent on world domination,” Sean shrugged.

“Why do you want the world?” Dom asked.

“BECAUSE I DESERVE IT!” Sean yelled. His expression then turned soft and he looked sad. “When I was but a lad,” he said, “my father worked in a coal mine, barely made enough to support us. One day, the switcher forgot to switch the tracks and sent a mine cart on a crash course with destruction and death. Luckily, my father heard the car coming and got out of the way in time, but...the fright from it gave him a heart attack and he fell into a ravine in the mines, where a giant metal bin of coal – that no one knew was lose – fell on him, crushing his body. He could’ve survived, but the sparks from the runaway cart sparked a fire with the coal and the entire mine exploded. But that didn’t kill my father! No! He survived! But alas, when the rescue crew was pulling his tattered body from the rubble, one of the workers – who no one knew had the Ebola virus – sneezed in his general direction. So afeared of dying from such a horrible disease, my father was, that he flung himself from a bridge in the bay and was impaled by a swordfish.” A single tear fell from Sean’s eye. “I suppose these things happen.”

“I know what you mean,” Billy nodded.

“My mother turned to selling her body to support my twelve younger brothers and I,” Sean continued. “When my mother was killed by one of her Johns, I was forced to take over her position and assume the role as head of our household. Business was tough. It’s hard work being a seven-year old prostitute boy. By the time I was ten, I’d made enough money to buy my brother and I...a puppy dog...which we then used for kindling to provide heat in our cardboard-box-home during the long winter months. I never knew the feeling of clothing on my skin until I was 30 years old and I’d procured a treasure map from an elderly priest. I took the map and escaped my life of debauchery. I found the treasure and became,” he struck a pose, “the Count of Monte Cristo.”

Everyone in the room just stared.

Sean continued. “I burned down the cardboard box that I’d called home and killed my twelve brothers.”

“you killed them?!” Emma exclaimed.

“Of course. I didn’t want them mooching off my wealth.”

“You have your wealth,” Orlando said, clinging to Viggo’s arm. “What do you want with us?”

“I want world domination!” Sean said. “I think I deserve it after everything I’ve been through! Obviously, to take over the world, I must first take over this town. You seven are the most wealthy in town – other than myself, of course – and have the most influence. Therefore, I obviously must kill you.”

“Your evil plot is so convoluted and full of holes that I don’t even know what’s going on!” Viggo said.

Sean responded by pulling out an authentic Tommy gun from under his robe. “Me,” he said, “keel joo now,” and he opened fire.

=======

Billy awoke with a start and sat up straight in bed. Taking in his surroundings, he realized that he was in a hospital. The majority of the cast of the ‘Lord of the Rings’ was standing around his bed. “I just had the most horrible dream,” he said. “You and you and you...all of you were there. We were all gay...and you were going to kill us all and take over the world,” he pointed at Sean Bean.

Sean nodded. “It’s to be expected. Hallucinations and sexual repression are common side effects of Swine Flu.”

“Swine flu?” Billy asked.

“Yes, that’s why you’re in the hospital,” Elijah said. “Don’t you remember?”

“No,” Billy said. “I don’t remember anything. I don’t even know who any of you are!”

Sean nodded again. “Amnesia, another side effect.”

“That’s ok,” Dom patted Billy’s hand, “we’ll help you remember.”

“Meanwhile, we’ve got great news!” Viggo said. “Orli’s pregnant!”

Suddenly, a meteor crashed into the hospital and they all died.

THE END


End file.
